Barclay Talks Sport

I wrote a piece for the Daily Mash (the excellent satirical website, see the link to the right) which they chose not to publish so I thought I'd sneak it up here. It's all in fun, all totally ficticious and not meant to cause offence etc etc, utterly harmless and I hope it makes you chortle a bit. It's in response to this article.

Enjoy

Leading premiership referee, Steve Bennett says he risks his life every time he takes the field because players want to sink their teeth into his flesh when he makes a contentious decision.

‘It’s just a matter of time before a referee is consumed live on Sky Sports on a Sunday afternoon,’ he said. ‘Not something you want to see on a mouthful of roast chicken and parsnips is it?’

Bennett says managers encourage players to consider cannibalism to get a decision changed by leaping up and down on the touchline like in some hideous tribal pre-dinner dance.

‘You think it’s sponge and spray in the trainer’s bag do you? Well I’ve seen inside. And it’s napkins and cruet sets. Salt and bastard pepper. Tesco finest onion fucking relish.’

‘I used to think being manhandled by angry players was some kind of homosexual advance. But it’s not. They’re feeling out the best cuts. Fucking hell, I’ve seen them lick their lips and salivate.’

‘They’re sharpening knives in the dressing rooms. Ice buckets are for my vital organs. Help me. For the love of God, help me!’ he added.

Referees’ boss, Keith Hackett commented. ‘Bennett’s a streaky piece of piss. It’s the lardy bloaters that have to worry. And the incompetent tossers who deserve nothing more than a set of gnashers in the neck.

‘Lord knows there are enough of those. Fuck ‘em. It’s a jungle out there. Live with it.’

A television spokesman added. ‘A blood-crazed gang of highly paid premiership footballers stalking and bringing down a referee in an orgy of gore and intestines would be fantastic for ratings.’

Sometimes you are left to wonder at the intelligence of football players, their clubs and their personal management. All right, often, you are left to wonder. No, sorry, you don't wonder any more, you just know they are all just stupid. This story seals it for me.

So. Liverpool players get burgled when they are playing football. Eight so far. It seems that some fiendishly clever crooks have worked out that when players are playing football in the evening, quite often live on telly, they aren't at home. Smart stuff.

Tragically, the players, staff and agents of Liverpool players appparently have not grasped that when players are playing football in the evening, quite often live on telly, their homes are vulnerable to fiendish crooks.

I know we only have eight examples and perhaps we should wait for the full first eleven but really, for pity's sake, have they really no answer? Is it too hard to organise private security to be in and around the properties of absent players, when players are playing football in the evening, quite often live on telly?

Is it just me, or should even Rio Ferdinand get this? I know he didn't understand having a wee at the training ground when told to but this is far, far simpler. And, on a serious note, for those Liverpool (and Man Utd or anyone come to that) players not yet victims, what about the wives and families in your houses? Keep them safe. You can afford it, really you can.

Jeez, must we lead them by the nose to everything except the trough of money?